No Time Travel for Girls


No time travel for girls
says the sign on the side
of the time machine

Girls are too delicate
to handle time travel
and can’t do the requisite math

A girl in a time machine
would disrupt the space-time continuum
by being in a time machine as a girl

Girls suffer from PMS
which makes them mix up their time-travel models
and destroy the very fabric of reality

If a girl travelled in time
she would step on an important butterfly
since girls are always doing things like that

A proper girl should already be dead of something tragic
so her sweetheart can travel in time
and completely fail to save her

No girls allowed
says the sign on the side
of the time machine

The time-travelling girls
have got more or less used to it
and shrug as they pass it in their futuristic jackets



Why do you blame me
for the end of the world?

I was only there
for part of the machine revolution

My death ray was used
by no more than 79% of robots

I only slightly
damaged the time machine

You overreact
to everything


WANTED: Time Machine

Must be reliable
and not powered by plutonium

Must go both forward and backward
making allowance for the movement of the planet through space

Must not have a mind of its own
and a tendency to teach its users little moral lessons

Must be willing to let me hang out in it
finishing the work I should have had done yesterday

Must be blue
which is a good colour for time machines


is like a box of chocolates
stolen by a mysterious man
riding on a pony
descended from the emperor
of an equestrian planet
discovered in 1849
by scientists secretly launched into space
as park of a medieval programme
initiated by the King of Spain
whose wife
was a foundling
with magical powers
resulting from her mother’s otherworldly ancestry
and tendency to find enchanted swords
which in turn
had resulted from an accident with a time machine
created in 2286
in Kenya
by a think tank
making one last desperate attempt
to save the human race from itself
because of the worldwide disaster
that could be traced back to the day
a couple from Hong Kong
opened a box of chocolates
and chose the wrong one