Snow Elves

The snow elves are out in July again
looking disconsolate
because there isn’t any snow
and no one believes in elves

There you go
stepping on another one

Stop it

You’re going to track elf bits
all over the living-room carpet

Snowpocalypse

OH MY GOD
they cry
as they stare in disbelief
at the white flakes
falling gently from the sky

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED
they declare
though really
it actually snows in April
all the time

THE EAGLES ARE COMING
they bawl
but I may be mixing
them up with
hobbits there

WE SHALL NEVER SURVIVE THIS
they whimper
as the snow
turns to rain
and melts away to nothing

Snow

OH MY GOD
it’s Snowpocalypse
the world is coming to an end
everything is at a standstill
I can’t possibly dig my way out of this nightmare
and make it to class / to work / to rehearsal / to the coffee shop
I am snowed in forever
and will die alone and unhappy
eaten by my cats
because it snowed last night and no one can help me
and
wait
the ploughs are here
I guess it’s only ten centimetres
I’ll see you in twenty-five minutes

New Year

2016 stretches out before us
like a field covered with pristine snow
and soon
very soon
we shall run out into the field
and stomp on it
and fling the snow everywhere
and pee on the snow
and furiously shovel dirt all over the snow
and melt the snow with a giant flamethrower
and pee on it again
and if
after that
there’s still a bit of snow left somewhere
we shall hunt it down and destroy it
quite possibly with lasers
and by then
it will be 2017
and time to move on
to the next field

Silly

How silly you are being
O weather
unable to decide
whether to be really freaking cold
or just sort of pretty cold
and popping back and forth between the two
with blowing snow everywhere the whole time
though maybe it will be rain later
who knows?
You certainly don’t

Smoke

Mostly
the weather report predicts
rain
or sunshine
or hail
or snow
but today
it is predicting smoke

It does not say
where this smoke is coming from
so I’m assuming
it originates in space
where all the aliens
are having a barbecue
with space marshmallows
and hot dogs

That
seems reasonable
to me