I Remember Sleep

I remember sleep
but not very well
which is disappointing
and leads to some problematic moments
when I go to talk to the fluffy green unicorn
during the vital winter session
of the Oompa-Loompa court proceedings
and everybody looks at me funny

Ode to a Dead Raccoon Left to Rot on the Sidewalk at the Corner of Church and Yonge for Fourteen Hours at the Height of Summer

You went too soon
little bandit of nighttime splendour
with your tiny clever paws
and your fundamental understanding
of your place in the vastness of the universe

When you cast off your mortal shell
and left it at Church and Yonge
so you could fly free as a philosophical disembodied space entity
or whatever
the people of Toronto paid tribute
with flowers and candles
and even a card

You were worth it
small swift arbiter of universal grief and madness
and though we are kind of sorry we mocked you
we also believe it was not mockery
but a celebration of your rich and giddy life
plus maybe a bit of sarcasm
directed at the city workers who left you to rot on the sidewalk for fourteen hours

Sleep well
minuscule champion of garbage-can-lid negotiation
and let the words of the city worker who finally picked you up
stand forever as your epitaph:
“Seriously, guys, it’s a dead raccoon.”

wise city worker
and so the world
turns on
into morning



Original story

Still Tired

why hast thou forsaken me?
to be accurate
thou hasn’t actually forsaken me
but thou art not doing
any bloody good

I’m going to drop the whole “thou” thing now
because it’s too pretentious
even for me

stop frolicking
in the blissful land of candy floss
and make it so I’m not tired
when I get up in the morning

Your ridiculous
are screwing up my sleep cycle
and it’s not like I even have to be at work that early
so this is getting really frustrating

I wish I were
a little green apple
since then I wouldn’t have to sleep
and I would make a good metaphor

Sleep Deficit

Come sleep
O sleep
you bastard
and stop deserting me
after the first five hours

I would like to punch you in the face
O sleep
if you had a face
and even if you didn’t,
I would like to punch you
in the face you didn’t have

Lack of sleep
is like raspberries
only less tasty
and I can’t really say how else it’s like raspberries
because I’m so goddamn tired

The unicorn of sleep
has left me forever
and I am left only with the tears of poltergeists
which seems perfectly logical to me
because of the fatigue fairies