Classic

She walks in beauty like the night
whatever that means
as the night cannot walk
and is mostly just full of mean little people doing terrible things
so the simile sounds clever at first
but doesn’t stand up under scrutiny
yet by all means
let’s turn it into a poem
and force it on all the hapless undergraduates
who don’t really know
what a simile is anyway

Make Way

Here he comes
full of anger
like a fish forced from its mountain home
like a vanilla milkshake with a migraine
like your mother’s favourite molar
like an inconsequential hurricane
like an inappropriate simile
and it is just too bad
that he trips on a stuffed kangaroo
and it squeaks away his dignity

On Good Poems

Good poems
are as rare as diamonds
and would never be so crass
as to use diamond-based similes

Good poems
stand stoutly astride the universe
and are also quite sparing
with their metaphors

Good poems
drive good men
to scream into hurricanes:
“I am no poet!”

Good poems
will be exceedingly kind to you
and take you out to dinner
when they think you may need to talk

Unicorn Salad

Heartburn
you burn my heart
and not metaphorically
either

I need to eat
some unicorn salad
and wash it down
with snail juice

Everything is tragic
except the things
that are not tragic
at all

I wish I were
a simile
in someone else’s
allegory

New Year

2016 stretches out before us
like a field covered with pristine snow
and soon
very soon
we shall run out into the field
and stomp on it
and fling the snow everywhere
and pee on the snow
and furiously shovel dirt all over the snow
and melt the snow with a giant flamethrower
and pee on it again
and if
after that
there’s still a bit of snow left somewhere
we shall hunt it down and destroy it
quite possibly with lasers
and by then
it will be 2017
and time to move on
to the next field