Where Are My Books?

Where are they?
I cannot find them.
Perhaps the squirrels have stolen them
like in that picture book
which
coincidentally
is sitting on top of my couch
for some reason
so that I see it every morning
and always have the urge
to write a poem about it

I suppose
I just spoiled the picture book
for everyone who has not read it yet
which is unfortunate
and cruel of me
but for crying out loud
where are my books?
It seems odd that I cannot find them
as I have several thousand
and they generally end up in piles
all over my floor

I hope I am not attacked
by legions of rabid picture-book fans
and squirrels
angry that I have given away the twist ending
and/or the nefarious cunning of squirrels everywhere
but let’s face it
we already knew about the squirrels

Please tell me if you find my books
and my shoes
and my plane ticket
and the joy I take in marking term papers
and my pants
oh yes
but obviously
my books
most of all

Rainbows

I woke up this morning
and there were rainbows all over the Internet
seriously
rainbows everywhere
on all the pages
and bouncing all over Twitter
and sneaking into the Facebook avatars
all rainbow-like

and I thought
hey weird
I wonder what’s up with all these rainbows
and I went to have breakfast
and blowed if there weren’t rainbows in my cereal
and floating in my glass of orange juice

huh
I said
this seems like a trend
and I turned around to find
that my clothes had turned into rainbows
which has admittedly become a bit of a problem
so if anyone has some pants I can borrow
please let me know

I have managed to turn one of the rainbows—
the one that used to be my bathroom door—
into an awesome laser that also makes little tiny unicorns
so now I have unicorns all over my apartment
and they are five inches high and like to cuddle in my rainbow blankets
as we binge-watch ‘80s TV on Netflix

I am expecting eventually the rainbows will become less obvious
and the unicorns will wander off to form a civilisation
and I will get my pants back
but for now
it’s kind of fun to have rainbows everywhere
and no pants anywhere
and extra unicorns for all

Father’s Day

Father’s Day

I did not get you socks
because you have a lot of those already

I suppose some have holes in them
but you’ve still got enough to go on with

And admittedly
I didn’t get you a tie either

I mean
I remember you wearing ties sometimes

There was even one that looked
like a tie-dyed fish

But now you are retired and sometimes look for excuses
not to wear pants

So I also didn’t get you pants
or anything clothes-related

Not even cufflinks
which raise the same problem as ties

Instead
I got you a poem

It’s a little worn around the edges
and smells vaguely of mothballs

But you don’t have to be wearing
pants to read it

And that
is really all that matters