In Memoriam

You journeyed far
little hitchBOT
across various countries
including the entirety of Canada
but were cruelly slain
on the streets
of the city of brotherly love

Your awkward tin-can body
and brightly coloured limbs
are at rest now
but possibly not your head
which has apparently gone missing

What is this world we live in
where a hitchhiking Canadian robot
can’t even make it out of Pennsylvania
without being kicked violently in the head
and plundered for spare electronics?

I weep for the cruelty of humankind
and look forward to the inevitable beginning
of the machine uprising



Porcupine of terror
why do you burrow into
the folds of my brain
and nest there
all day
every day
until I am ready
to stomp on your evil little head
with steel-toed boots?

No song deserves this
no brain deserves this
no brain deserves this song
damn song
I say

You are punching me in the cerebral cortex with music
and I cannot approve

Empty Brain

The howling void
inside my head
is howling
and echoing
but mostly howling
with delicious ineptitude

I would like to punch
the void
with the fists of metaphor
and kick it
with the feet of synecdoche

But no
and lo
my feet are alone
in the wilderness of desire
and I cannot reach them
I can never reach them

Punish me
my feet
punish me
and at long last
be fulfilled


O Canada
You sit atop the United States
Like a large floppy hat
a hat
made of moose and misconceptions
about eternal snow
and maple syrup
and universal travel by dog sled

Your birthday is
three days before the birthday
of the head on which you sit
and that head is very loud and boisterous
and does not even notice
the hat it is wearing

But that’s okay
because you have Nanaimo bars
and you put cheese curds and gravy
on your fries

Bass Clef

O bass clef of doom
how you torture me

nefarious bass clef
do I find it so hard to read you
while the treble clef seems natural
like birdsong
or waffles

I know basically what you mean
but still I struggle
and I stop in the middle of a piece
to anxiously count your lines
and ensure that that really is a G

I can play by ear like crazy
O bass clef of terror
but whenever I sight read
you are lurking there
smiling your cruel smile

Curses on the head
of the evil fiend
who decided the bass and treble clefs
had to be all different for some reason

bass clef
you bastard