Mixed Genres

You can buy
Christmas lights for Hallowe’en
Hallowe’en decorations for Christmas
and Easter eggs for both

I may need
to sit in a corner
and cry



Merry Christmas
I’m sure you’re having a great day
of course
Krampus snatched up your children last night
and beat them with a bundle of birch rods
and shoved them in his sack
and carted them off to Hell

if he did that
your children probably deserved it
and possibly you are currently slightly relieved
and have quietly confiscated the candy you were going to give your children
and are eating it in front of the TV
while not being interrupted
by bratty screams of anger
at presents that are the wrong shade of aquamarine

I hope Hell
has a beautiful sunrise

Parcel Tracker

Parcel tracker
how you mock me
with your passionate claims
that my parcel is “in transit”
and the way you cunningly use the lying progress bar
to foster the illusion that the parcel
is not sitting in a warehouse in Mississauga
instead of being put on an actual plane to Vancouver

I like the way
you have already changed the expected delivery date
after spending an entire day not picking up the parcel
because somebody
way back years ago
looked up the word “expedited” in the dictionary
and misunderstood the definition

With luck
parcel tracker
the delivery date will remain 2015/12/24
and not suddenly and maddeningly jump to 2015/12/28
since then I would really need to punch you in the face
and as far as I know
you don’t have one


Hallowe’en is over
No more ghosts
Go to the mall
There are reindeer in my pocket!
I need some eggnog!
Tiny candy bars
are so five minutes ago!

To be fair
my choir started singing Christmas music
in September
but hyperbole
is always fun