Accidental

He accidentally posted
as his cat
prompting puzzled followers
to ask
why Mr. McFluffikins
had such strong opinions
on American politics
and the economic importance
of renewable fuel sources

Mr. McFluffikins
was
of course
mortified

Neither of them
will ever be done
apologising for this

Cat

Cat
you are fascinating
to everyone on the Internet
though to be perfect accurate
you’re really a small fuzzy psychopath
whose default mentality is KILL KILL KILL
and who would happily eat me
if I were just a bit smaller
yet the first word most people think of
when they see you
is “cute”

Please teach me
Master

Six Absolutely True Fact About Cats

1) A cat that sees its own shadow
will immediately become convinced
that its soul has been sucked into the ground
and is doomed to follow it forever
which is why the cat is always leaping into the air
in an attempt to scare its shadow away

2) Black cats with white bibs
are all named Eustace
even the females
who are very proud of themselves about everything

3) Cats are important to the Internet
because it was invented by cats
from space
in boots
all of them ginger

4) When cats run away from dogs
they are doing it mockingly
and because they are hungry

5) If a cat
falls into a washing machine
and there is nobody there to hear it
it is still putting a curse on you and your unborn children

6) Poems about cats
are automatically problematic
simply because
they have cats in them

Twitter

O Twitter
you are so silly
you claim to be useful
but then you’re all
HAVE 140 CHARACTERS OF HORROR FOR NO REASON
ALSO I HATE YOUR CAT
and then everyone retweets the retweets of the retweets of the problematic tweet
and there are tears
and recriminations
and quite a few people end up blocked

The next day
O Twitter
it all begins again
except with more hashtags
and slightly fewer cats

Mondays

Garfield hates Mondays
for no particular reason
as Garfield is a cat
and all days are alike to him
but I feel about Mondays
as a raccoon feels
while it is staring into the headlights
of the truck
that is half a second away
from turning it
into a road pancake