And then she watched
another video
in which a cat
failed to jump
onto a counter

What a silly cat
she said


Definitely Not a Cat

Damn damn damn
I have tripped over my own assumptions
and am about to learn a neat little lesson
as I sit with a symbolic animal
in my lab

While that happens
stand by
and afterwards
one of us can become the villain

I bet that
sounds good
to you


He accidentally posted
as his cat
prompting puzzled followers
to ask
why Mr. McFluffikins
had such strong opinions
on American politics
and the economic importance
of renewable fuel sources

Mr. McFluffikins
of course

Neither of them
will ever be done
apologising for this


you are fascinating
to everyone on the Internet
though to be perfect accurate
you’re really a small fuzzy psychopath
whose default mentality is KILL KILL KILL
and who would happily eat me
if I were just a bit smaller
yet the first word most people think of
when they see you
is “cute”

Please teach me

Six Absolutely True Fact About Cats

1) A cat that sees its own shadow
will immediately become convinced
that its soul has been sucked into the ground
and is doomed to follow it forever
which is why the cat is always leaping into the air
in an attempt to scare its shadow away

2) Black cats with white bibs
are all named Eustace
even the females
who are very proud of themselves about everything

3) Cats are important to the Internet
because it was invented by cats
from space
in boots
all of them ginger

4) When cats run away from dogs
they are doing it mockingly
and because they are hungry

5) If a cat
falls into a washing machine
and there is nobody there to hear it
it is still putting a curse on you and your unborn children

6) Poems about cats
are automatically problematic
simply because
they have cats in them