Canada

Millie Bouchard is in trouble
for slapping a moose

She says the moose attacked her first
and she slapped it in self-defence

Both Millie and the moose
have apologised

An animated short detailing the incident
is now in the works

True North

You are as Canadian
as a moose trapped in a Tim Hortons
during the overtime period
of a hockey game
between the Toronto Maple Leafs
and the Vancouver Canucks

You are as Canadian
as an apology
for an apology
in response to an apology
prompted by an apology
for too much apologising

You are as Canadian
as a self-deprecating
self-referential poem
written sheepishly
by a Canadian

You are as Canadian
as the honour
of your neighbour
practised without a licence
for the sake of a millimetre
of grey moustache

Canadian Literature

She trudges wearily
through the snow
her mind wandering
to her loveless marriage
which is a metaphor
for her divided nation
though she is barely
aware of that
because the irony
of her existence
leaves her ignorant
and bound by duty
as an errant
maple leaf
replete with too much
fractured meaning
flies from the eaves
of the forgotten schoolhouse
as the storm grows
over the prairies
and the dinosaur bones
that are not her roots
lurk beneath the soil
of the alien land
mocking the children
of a pastless people
caught in the throes
of political change

Family Day

Family Day
is a totally made-up
Canadian holiday
that only happens in certain provinces
takes place on a totally different day in BC
and doesn’t include public servants
though it does ensure
that all the grocery stores are closed
except for one Loblaws
for some reason

obviously
this says a lot
about families

Front-Page Ad

Giant yellow front-page newspaper ad
paid for by a particular political party
and obliterating the bit of the newspaper
that usually goes
hey look everyone THERE ARE BABIES TRAPPED IN BUILDINGS THAT ARE ON FIRE
AND THE MIDDLE EAST IS ON FIRE AND EVERYTHING IS ON FIRE
BECAUSE TERRIBLE PEOPLE ARE DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO EVERYONE
AND ALSO THERE’S ONE THREE-LEGGED KITTEN THAT IS INSPIRING ORPHANS
BUT MOSTLY THE ORPHANS ARE TRAPPED IN BUILDINGS THAT ARE ON FIRE
AND SOME OF THEM ARE BABIES
anyway
giant yellow ad:
I hope you fall down a hole
a very deep hole
and become the kind of story that belongs on the front page of the newspaper
because otherwise
YOU SHOULDN’T BLOODY BE THERE
in case you were wondering
what I thought about it

Election Promises

I promise
that if I am elected
there will be unicorns everywhere
so many unicorns
most of them purple
enough to start a whole unicorn society
at which point people will start claiming
the unicorns are taking our jobs
and look for ways
to revoke their citizenship

I promise
that if I am elected
butterflies will fly out of my nose
every day
except maybe not on weekends
since on weekends I’ll be busy dealing with the unicorn problem
and eventually we’ll cut back on the butterflies
until there aren’t any at all
which I’ll appreciate
as it’s not fun
when butterflies fly out of your nose

I promise
that if I am elected
I won’t be anything like those other people
who are really incarnations of Satan
as you can tell because they hate butterflies
and unicorns
and noses
so it will be much better to let me lead you
because I am not an incarnation of Satan
yet

I promise
that if I am elected
everyone will cheer
and there will be rainbows
which we will not tax
of course
though it’s possible we’ll pay for them
by shutting down the CBC