You roll your eyes
and tell me to chill
as 2016 is not sentient
and is not really trying to kill us all

That’s what you think
I say
and go to find
my bazooka

2016 hunts at night
and morning
and mid-afternoon
and has no more mercy than any other predator

I sometimes wonder
if ice cream would appease it
but considering the evidence
I’m guessing not


Dear 2016:
You make some interesting observations
in this paper
but you also have a tendency
to stop in the middle of an otherwise logical argument
and announce
which does not help develop your thesis
and renders your essay scattered
and liable to invoke limitless rage

Next time
please be more objective
and go beyond gut reaction

Your work is currently not adequate
and will receive a failing grade

An Open Letter to 2016

Dear 2016:

Please stop
I mean
just stop right now
put down the axe
and cease this self-destructive rampage

Maybe you just want
to be remembered more than the other years
or maybe you’re in a bad mood
or got up with a headache
or tripped and fell in a puddle

Maybe there really is a rational explanation
for your gleeful destruction
of not just a multitude of individual lives
but possibly also the whole of western civilisation
or even just humanity in general


Sit back
take a breather
have a doughnut
read some bad poetry
and really
think about what you have done

until 2017

Yours sincerely,
Absolutely Everybody

Also your mom

Time Travel

Time Travel

When I was growing up in the 1980s
I thought of the 1960s as “old-fashioned”
and kind of alien
an era of people in funny clothes
smoking lots of cigarettes
and singing golden oldies
as they watched their black-and-white three-channel television sets
and bought comics for five cents an issue
and said things like “gee” and “golly”

Now it’s 2016
and kids today
think of the 1990s
the way I thought of the 1960s
in the 1980s

I think I need to go off
and be sad now

New Year

2016 stretches out before us
like a field covered with pristine snow
and soon
very soon
we shall run out into the field
and stomp on it
and fling the snow everywhere
and pee on the snow
and furiously shovel dirt all over the snow
and melt the snow with a giant flamethrower
and pee on it again
and if
after that
there’s still a bit of snow left somewhere
we shall hunt it down and destroy it
quite possibly with lasers
and by then
it will be 2017
and time to move on
to the next field