My need not to write a poem
has created
a state of agony
caused by poetry
the poanogy flows through my brain
thumps through my heart
spontaneously generates CAPITAL LETTERS through my gizzard
and no one understands the poagony
except other poagonists
none of whom
have written as many agonised poems
as I have


It is quite warm
but also cold
but also warm
and you are not
invested in
my little scheme
and we are trapped
inside this lamp
all filled with ink
and pigeon eggs
and sometimes I
forget to cry
because my leg
is made of cheese
and sometimes you
forget to read
the warning signs
inside my mind

Expert Opinion

I used to despise children’s books
said the distinguished author
but then I wrote a children’s book
and now I love them
and also know everything about them
so let me explain it to you now
while plugging my book
which was way too fun to write
because I got to write it badly

I used to despise biology
said the distinguished physicist
but then I dissected a flatworm
and now I love it
and also know everything about it
so let me correct you condescendingly
while you do that really easy experiment
which I could perform in my sleep
because I’m slumming it

I used to despise fighting aliens
said the distinguished soldier
but then some attacked my house
and now I love it
and also know everything about it
so let me charge recklessly into the middle of the battle
while everyone shouts at me to stop
which I won’t do
because by then I will have been vaporised

I used to despise writing poetry
I said
but no one was listening to me
so I took up knitting to spite them

So Blue

Your name is so blue
so covered with cheese
and now the cheese is everywhere
gaining sentience
as the clever ringmaster
drops the ripe tomato
and the end of all things
has hobbits in it

On Good Poems

Good poems
are as rare as diamonds
and would never be so crass
as to use diamond-based similes

Good poems
stand stoutly astride the universe
and are also quite sparing
with their metaphors

Good poems
drive good men
to scream into hurricanes:
“I am no poet!”

Good poems
will be exceedingly kind to you
and take you out to dinner
when they think you may need to talk