How to Talk to a Woman Wearing Headphones

1) Stand in front of her
with 1 to 1.5 metres between you

2) Get her attention
by talking
or possibly doing a dignified dance step

3) Disregard the annoyance and frustration
that flash briefly behind her eyes

4) The truth is that she is on a quest
bestowed upon her by a dying wizard
in a mountain cave in Ireland
and she has journeyed far and laboured long
to find the Key destined to unlock the mystic portal
that leads to the treasure containing the salvation
of the human race
and you have interrupted her final meditation
as she prepares to face the ancient and terrifying monstrous guardian
standing between her and her destination

5) And she is young and unsure and chosen
but doesn’t feel chosen and wishes she’d had more time
and her old life has been swept away in a confusing wash
of danger and mysterious strangers and possibly a talking cow
and she’s convinced half the decisions she’s made are wrong
and since the wizard is dead now she has no one to talk to
except one companion she’s left behind because she doesn’t trust his motives
and here she is in the everyday world
surrounded by oblivious people
knowing everything depends on her
not understanding how it has come to this

6) And as she clenches her hands into fists and unclenches them and clenches them again
while concentrating desperately on the music she knows is effectively
the soundtrack to Armageddon
you stand there
putting all that effort
into attracting her attention

7) Demonstrate confidence

8) Women like that sort of thing

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