Please stop believing
the world is getting better
day by day

It’s excessively annoying
and makes a lot of people
want to punch you

You yourself illustrate
how wrong your pet theory is
just by existing

No Horse Potatoes Here

No horse potatoes here
take your horse potatoes elsewhere

What do you mean
those aren’t horse potatoes
you have never heard of horse potatoes
you think I have lost my mind because
I keep going on about horse potatoes

Horse potatoes are the future
the past
but also the future
and we don’t want them here

Take your horse potatoes over there
to where those other people are standing

They are the people of the horse potatoes
while we are the people of the lack of horse potatoes

It should be perfectly clear
and yet here you still are
with your horse potatoes

I am not willing
to calm down
and start making sense


Now you’ve done it

A Poet Who Hates Poetry

He is a poet
who hates poetry
and he revels
in the irony

He writes at length
in verse form
about how verse form
should never be used at length

His metaphors are
described as “poetic”
and this description
tips him over into despair

He once read
a poem he liked
and had to punish himself
lest it happen again someday

What to Do With Leftover Cheese

1) Eat it immediately

2) Use it
along with a clever cipher based
on the phases of the moon
to start a revolution

3) Comb its hair
and tell it it’s beautiful
just the way it is

4) Mine its metaphorical properties
for deep poetic significance

5) Throw it at a politician

6) Throw it away from a politician
who doesn’t deserve it

7) Punch it in the face
because it has disrespected you

8) Teach it to play
the theme song
of your favourite television programme

9) Betray it
before it betrays you

10) Don’t be silly

There’s no such thing
as leftover cheese

No Woman Over Thirty Should

No woman over thirty
should wear a skirt that shows her knees
since alligators are attracted to knees
and also to women over thirty

No woman over thirty
should go braless
as her unfettered breasts have long since attained sentience
and are already plotting to take over the world

No woman over thirty
should dye her hair blue or green
which are colours that love the young
but devour the souls of the relatively mature

No woman over thirty
should clothe herself in garish patterns
so as to look as little as possible like she does
when she fights crime in her super-suit

No woman over thirty
should pierce anything besides her ears
because women over thirty are inflatable
and it’s sad when the air goes out of them

No woman over thirty
should read lists about women over thirty
which were probably written by women under twenty-five
who don’t know about the alligators yet

Like a Duck

If it walks like a duck
and quacks like a duck
and flies like a duck
and slow-plays its poker hand like a duck
and cheats on its spouse like a duck
and composes beautiful symphonies like a duck
and eats French toast like a duck
and collects porcelain figurines like a duck
and gets into fights with its sister like a duck
and teaches itself how to juggle like a duck
and checks its Facebook account like a duck
and procrastinates on doing its laundry like a duck
and buys movie tickets like a duck
and falls in love like a duck
and performs Shakespearean soliloquies like a duck
and forgets your name like a duck
it’s probably not a duck

Just saying