Hockey Kids

hockey kids
I appreciate you are excited
to be away from home
albeit with your parents
and you are stretching your tiny hockey-themed wings
but seriously
could you stop screaming and thumping
right outside my hotel door
as your drunken fathers
guffaw indulgently about your high spirits?

Just asking

No reason

No reason at all


My poem is missing
I wrote it
but it isn’t on the website
and now I am writing
a poem about my missing poem
which I can do
since this is a collection of terrible poems

That’s neat
if I just shift my fingers one space over on my keyboard
everything comes out like
Gwt kiij U aww A YUEEWK’WCWETVIST EYB DEIN RGW A YUEEK efg rag;rgw ybucwew ua unoiesubf BS u SIB;R JBIQ QGT RGW Nefuba Hcw xgBXWS

that was weird

WANTED: Time Machine

Must be reliable
and not powered by plutonium

Must go both forward and backward
making allowance for the movement of the planet through space

Must not have a mind of its own
and a tendency to teach its users little moral lessons

Must be willing to let me hang out in it
finishing the work I should have had done yesterday

Must be blue
which is a good colour for time machines

Little Tablet Keyboard

Little tablet keyboard
you are a really boring thing
to write a poem about
but here I go anyway

I’m not even typing on you at the moment
so this is
particularly pointless

You are black and green
and have buttons

Forgive me
little tablet keyboard
for this terrible poem

You deserve better


I am playing in a concert
and my socks are too tight

I didn’t know that was possible
but my calves are definitely on fire

perhaps wearing knee socks to a concert
was a bad idea

let me just bend over
and pull my socks down

I’m pretty sure
no one will notice

Socks With Flowers on Them

I wrote a poem
about socks with flowers on them
and then my computer froze
and ate my poem
and none of the socks have flowers now
the flowers have been swallowed
by despair
and computer-related frustration
and fury born
of completely unrelated
deadline-induced panic


I’ll get through 30 of these things today

I got through only 15
but that’s okay
‘cause tomorrow
I’ll do 45

I did 12
so to meet the deadline
I now need to do 70 a day
I guess I can handle that

12 again

I wonder what’s on Netflix