When you are a slob
you know you are a slob
you think like a slob
move like a slob
do your taxes like a slob
everything about you is slob-like
even the piles of things you make
which you mean to be neat
but they are not neat
because they were made by a slob
and they eventually tip over
and join the other piles
in the general chaos

when you are a slob
your life is a slob’s life
and if you don’t learn
to accept that
you will be
the saddest


Board Game

All my board games
sit sadly on shelves
with no one but me to play them

each one requires
at least two players

My life is a board game
that only one person
is available to play


Friday Headache

that’s not right
waking up with a headache
on a Friday

I vigorously protest
and may spend a bit of time sulking
in this corner

I don’t like this corner
there’s a spider here
and it reminds me that I just had a dream
about millions of baby spiders everywhere

Spider dreams are the worst
and probably cause headaches
so I’ll go stand in the shower
until my skin stops crawling


the terror
the horror
the terror
the waiting
through terror
and horror
and pounding
of waves
that is terrible
and horrible
and strange
the ocean
is eating
my solitude
the horror
the horror
the wreckage
of hope
is all in
the solitude
the terror
the horror
the waiting


you beautiful lemon
you scintillating drop of cough syrup
and laugh
laugh into the wind
with anger
and longing for vindication


but for the candy leash
but for the noisy parrot
but for the miser of ugliness
there would I be

Address to a Haggis


O haggis
Robbie Burns wrote a better version of this poem ages ago
so I’ll just point out
that you taste like meat oatmeal
which is amazing
and makes me unbelievably happy
since more things should taste like meat
and more things should look like oatmeal

You are really the perfect food
O haggis
even if I can’t tell you that with a bunch of Scottish words
apparently designed to confused undergraduate English students

My love is not like a red red rose
but my bonnie haggis is waiting
and I shall fly to it
and unashamed