The gods sit Zeus down one day
and they’re all serious and frowny and Zeus isn’t sure what’s going on
and then Poseidon says
you’re taking it all a bit too far
with the turning into various animals and the pursuing of young maidens

Artemis adds
It’s not healthy
and actually constitutes a felony
since you’re not turning into animals just so you can go baa and nudge against someone’s leg
if you know what I mean

says Hephaestus
you should consider taking up another hobby
I hear Athena enjoys weaving
or maybe Artemis will teach you to shoot
but anyway
sources say last week you turned into a bee and nuzzled up to a virgin
and I can’t see how that could have turned out well for anyone

Athena says
that time I jumped out of your head
You didn’t enjoy that at all
so why the urge to impregnate everyone else?
Maybe we can get you started on some knitting

Zeus is looking sad and frustrated
so Hades claps him on the shoulder and says
Believe me
I sympathise
but Demeter really thinks you may have some sort of sex addiction
so she’s found you a support group
and don’t forget we’re all here for you

Zeus asks
But why
why do I have to change
why does it have to be different
why can’t it go on the way it always has?

Apollo shrugs
and says
Because it’s 2015

And the gods all take Zeus out for sushi
though Poseidon decides not to go


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