Slave Girl

A young priest pointed out to her
after it was all over
and she was back with her father
and very diligently demonstrating her holiness
so she wouldn’t be forced into slavery again
that the trajectory of the end of the Trojan War
was basically her fault
since if Agamemnon hadn’t enslaved her
and her priest father hadn’t asked Apollo for her return
and Apollo hadn’t given the Greeks a virulent disease
forcing Agamemnon to give her back
then puff out his mighty chest and steal Achilles’s slave girl instead
because apparently life was just not bearable without a slave girl
then Achilles wouldn’t have gone off and sulked in his tent for days
and the Trojans wouldn’t have started winning
and dim-witted Patroclus wouldn’t have borrowed Achilles’s armour
and got himself killed
and Achilles wouldn’t have gone RAAAAAR and howled around the battlefield
screaming and tearing people limb from limb
and there would have been less of a target on Hector’s back
and probably
I don’t know
the horse thing wouldn’t have happened either
and basically
it was all her doing

she said
that story doesn’t sound familiar
I only know the one about the clever girl
who liked whispering epic poetry to herself at bedtime
and was really musical but not so good at sports
and had three little cousins killed in the war
which made her angry
and set her practising her knife skills in secret
even though she would never be any good at them
and this kid
who was twelve
by the way
was captured by soldiers and handed over to a large smelly man
who was all like
oh a virgin
and she was furious with herself for being ashamed
that she had to rely on her father and
a bit of divine intervention to get her out of there
because she was still terrible with those knives
and wished there was some way of singing her way out of captivity
now that she thought of it
Apollo would probably appreciate if she managed to pull it off
and afterwards the smelly man acted like a spoiled brat
and some other smelly man did too
and a bunch of ridiculous masculine dandies in pretty armour
went around hitting each other with swords
and killing more children
and destroying more lives
all because an idiot
had once given an apple
to the wrong goddess

said the young priest
that’s not how I heard it

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