Election Promises

I promise
that if I am elected
there will be unicorns everywhere
so many unicorns
most of them purple
enough to start a whole unicorn society
at which point people will start claiming
the unicorns are taking our jobs
and look for ways
to revoke their citizenship

I promise
that if I am elected
butterflies will fly out of my nose
every day
except maybe not on weekends
since on weekends I’ll be busy dealing with the unicorn problem
and eventually we’ll cut back on the butterflies
until there aren’t any at all
which I’ll appreciate
as it’s not fun
when butterflies fly out of your nose

I promise
that if I am elected
I won’t be anything like those other people
who are really incarnations of Satan
as you can tell because they hate butterflies
and unicorns
and noses
so it will be much better to let me lead you
because I am not an incarnation of Satan
yet

I promise
that if I am elected
everyone will cheer
and there will be rainbows
which we will not tax
of course
though it’s possible we’ll pay for them
by shutting down the CBC

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