Spooky

The saddest of the monsters
is the sheet ghost
mournfully drifting around
in its insubstantial sheet
hollow eyes imbued with the wistful knowledge
that on Hallowe’en
only the laziest children
will imitate it

The sheet ghost
does not remember why
it is eternally sheet covered
but it does remember
that one time in life it went to the pub
and ended up punching someone in the face
and it clings to that desperately

If you meet a sheet ghost
throw pennies at it
this will not help
but you will
at the very least
get rid of some pennies

The sheet ghost is to be pitied
but don’t introduce it to your cat
as sheet ghosts and cats get along very well
and your cat just doesn’t need
more excuses to ignore you

Hurricane Remnants

Goodbye
Patricia
you saucy minx
you peed on Toronto
and the next day
you farted on Toronto
and it seems
the main benefit to me
was that your bodily functions
made it impossible for the people
jackhammering the living daylights out of my apartment building
to do so
meaning that for forty-eight hours
blissful silence prevailed
it was a rainy silence
and it was a windy silence
but it was also a silent silence
which is something I wish I had today
so farewell
Patricia
I shall miss you
very much indeed

Time Flies

Time flies
when you’re having panic
because you must cram three months’ worth of work
into a day
which is probably your own fault
though that doesn’t help much
since it doesn’t absolve you
from doing the work

Finding the Room

We are meeting
in a different room this week
so here is the new one:
524

We are meeting
in a different room this week
so here is the new one:
524
and yes
that is in the same building
as the old room

We are meeting
in a different room this week
so here is the new one:
524
in the same building as usual
on the fifth floor
since the room number
starts with a “5″
which is
in fact
how room numbers work

We are meeting
in a different room this week
so here is the new one:
524
in the usual building
on the fifth floor
and not in the building attached to the usual building
or the building beside the usual building
and not on the sixth floor
and no
that is not the room
that is a closet
please come out of the closet
and please stop texting me to find out where the room is
as you should have been in it
an hour and ten minutes ago
We are meeting
in a different room this week
but not next week
or the week after
so please stop asking

Long Article

Alas
the students are in despair
despair
for the article
they must read this week
is ten pages long
ten pages
with footnotes
with actual footnotes
with terrible footnotes
and a bibliography

How
can anyone be expected
to read so much material
in a single week?
Where is the horse?
Where its rider?
Weep for the sparrow’s flight
through the mead hall
existence is meaningless
and death
comes to us all

The article looms
like a frosty harbinger of destiny
and the students troop towards it
doom-filled
not yet realising
they are going to need
to look up the word “epiphenomenal”

Sock

O sock
why do you taunt me
from your place
on top of a book
on top of my couch?
In fact
why are you there at all?
Where did you come from
and where is the second sock
that presumably goes with you?
I didn’t even realise
I had any purple socks at all
and don’t remember wearing you recently.
Is there something sinister about you
O sock?