Ponies everywhere
multicoloured ponies
covered with chocolate
metaphorical ponies
representing anxiety

do you prance across my bookshelves
and eat all the dust bunnies
the dust bunnies

Curl up
into tiny pony balls
and do not transform
into the spiders
I know you are really


Not Doing Anything

Not doing anything
is tempting
even when there are deadlines
because what fun are deadlines
without panic
and despair
and that one shining moment
where you throw yourself down
in an attitude of frustration
and exclaim:
this is impossible I can’t possibly finish in time how could anyone expect me even to try I don’t understand how I’m supposed to do this it’s not fair I should have been a dentist why did I ever think this was a good idea somebody help me why are there not magical wishing fairies who will do all my work for me there’s just not enough time no one could manage this the universe is completely unfair I need so much chocolate

and that has made all the difference


is like a box of chocolates
stolen by a mysterious man
riding on a pony
descended from the emperor
of an equestrian planet
discovered in 1849
by scientists secretly launched into space
as park of a medieval programme
initiated by the King of Spain
whose wife
was a foundling
with magical powers
resulting from her mother’s otherworldly ancestry
and tendency to find enchanted swords
which in turn
had resulted from an accident with a time machine
created in 2286
in Kenya
by a think tank
making one last desperate attempt
to save the human race from itself
because of the worldwide disaster
that could be traced back to the day
a couple from Hong Kong
opened a box of chocolates
and chose the wrong one


How is it
that you can fill a giant shelving unit
with sixteen shelves’ worth of books
that have previously been piled
on your floor
and still have no floor space afterwards?

Playing Apartment Clean-Up Tetris
is beginning to seem
as futile as actual Tetris
and is taking
way longer to complete

O Magical Unicorn of Apartment Cleaning
Swoop down into my domicile
and use your Horn of Terror
to unearth my bicycle
from its current
tomb of detritus

Waiting for Stuff to Happen

Waiting for stuff to happen
when you have no control over the stuff
and can’t nudge it forward
with polite words of stress-induced tension
is like standing in the rain
while someone flicks you repeatedly in the face
with a rubber band
and an out-of-tune tuba
honks disconsolately in the background
but does not quite
distract you
from the nervous twitching
of your own impatience


little turtle
away from the spaceship
that has landed
in your ocean
and is now
its ray guns
to attack
what the occupants see
as a society
by turtles